Where to find UFO tracking equipment?

[Wayne Morellini]

I am wondering, where I can find equipment for tracking UFO's on video?

Many years ago it occurred to me that if you could set up an array of automated telescopes, you could use a fish eyed lens to locate objects of interest and use the nearest telescope to zoom in and nail the little suckers (assuming actually do have some sucking body parts).

The system would have to be automated by computer control, capable of analysing multiple wavelengths through low resolution sensor below the fish eye lens. You could feed in all the satellite, and aircraft paths/times, with whatever upto date information your local traffic authority may provide, and use radio triangulation to determine if it is an aircraft by it's transponder or ET (assuming that ET doesn't gets wise and goes to the local supplier and purchases one).

Once the computer (let's call it the SETI Deluxe Object Wavelength Notifier, Seti-Down)
has identify an object of interest it would record footage from the fish-eye lens and the telescopes involved (for 3D image).

Now by using visible, infrared, ultraviolet, and all possible EM frequencies (radio etc) it would be possible to get reasonably good data. But you would not need to stop there, a funnel directed acoustic recording could be used, and now that Radar on a chip is available you could get more definite pictures, not to mention directed acoustic and laser illumination (please note, remember to be out of the area in case ET takes exception to your "Laser Attack" and tries to visit/dismantle the site).

In case ET tries to visit the site, you might need some diplomatic measures, which include a military grade frequency hoping wide-spectrum radio transmitting to multiple fake receiver targets, with messages relayed to you, at a safe distance, from the real receiver, by over half a mile of buried optical cable. You would have to rig-up some diplomatic symbol around the speaker/microphone base, so that they know you are friendly, so a automatically blown up life size doll Of Mr Spock doing the Vulcan greeting should do the trick. Of course some diplomatic framework for discussion and negotiation of diplomatic ties, and lucrative trade agreements (please, refrain from trying to con them, that you as an individual, are a separate nation inside the United States, in order to get a one way trade deal). So you should have, on hand for them to read, condensed versions of all United Nations documents, in a couple of semi-trailers, the UN, apparently, considers them universal. Being super intelligent creatures, they will either rapidly access the documents, or tell you to p.. off!

As you may realise, it is commonly reported, in circumstances like this, that there is recording equipment disabling EM interference. So you would need to bury your recording drives in an adequately shielded casing. I can't say what is "adequate" though, as nobody has returned with adequate measurements, alive.

The fact that, not many people have returned to us saying that they have just been to planet X, and that it has nice, breathable, weather, heartedly recommending it as a holiday destination, waving return tickets for anybody interested, outside a lunatic farm, should not deter us from the search for ET. You never know, the rumours maybe true, they may be blood sucking aliens that consider us a meal, who got "V" and "Independence Day" made to gauge public reaction. Actually that is perfect UFOtological evidence (Or scientific evidence, if you a Physicist) of their existence, and why nobody comes back to us saying that they have just been to Planet X, and that it has nice, breathable, weather, heartedly recommending it as a holiday destination, waving return tickets for anybody interested.

Anyway, all humour aside, it would still be a credible scheme (forgetting the diplomatic part) to prove/disprove sitings, as it is science to search out to see if something is true, where ever you believe it or not. Still, believe me, I would have loved to have posted this on April the first ;)

Whecckster Skiff, ..I mean Wayne.

[Matt Ockenfels]

Well, I wanna know....

Does ET watch NTSC, PAL, or SECAM?

Mac or PC?

[Wayne Morellini]

They ("Its" actually, as there are no sexes, but only anti-sexes, don't ask me how that works, but they have aversions to keeping company with anybody that actually has a sex, which is probably why we don't see them around here, or anybody saying that, they have just been to Planet X, and that it has nice, breathable, weather, heartedly recommending it as a holiday destination, waving return tickets for anybody interested. Yet more infallible scientific UFOtogical proof that the aliens must exist, because they don't come near us. Anyway, it.they watch/s Extra Timeline HD, yes they are watching us right now, from the future.

PC's have been replaced because of unreliability, and the peoples of the universe, except for backwards Earth, have returned to simplicity and replaced them with much more effective computer systems, Sinclair ZX-812s (related to the Timex Sinclair 1500 I have in storage). Since their takeover of Sinclair computers in the year 2350 and the 20th century pre-release of their ZX-812s they have enjoyed enormous success. You may not realise this, but the ZX-812 is the most popular computer every made, except for the Sinclair QL2, but they fixed that problem, by going back in time and sending Sinclair computer broke a year early, and then simultaneously introducing the ZX-812 on the intergalactic market in the past, everybody felt that the invention of such a "cute" paper weight was grand, and hence sales went through the roof. Intergalactic PC computer use is most interesting (this is all according to the 24th century edition of "The History of Space and Time Encyclopedia" that dropped down to me out of a time vortex, so I can't verify it's accuracy, or my existence. Oops it just disappeared again, I must have said something to interfere with the timeline. Ohh here is comes back again, in an updated edition. Lets see, it appears that the only difference, from me telling you that 24th century edition of "The History of Space and Time Encyclopedia" dropped down to me out of a time vortex, is that Australia won at Cricket in recent years, and that Germany will win the World Table Tennis Championship, in 20 years time, prove me wrong! ). The Windows Blue Screen of Death took on a whole new meaning, when a ship's navigation system has gone of the blink as you are plunging head long into a black hole. Trying to navigate at near light speed with a mouse, and Bill Gates Military Tank Grade keyboard short cuts, also proved a bit disastrous. So they replaced much of the guidance systems with gate array programmable analogue networks, and a floating Sinclair ZX-812 (apparently the most effective way to use one for floating point, calculations, except for quantum computer projects like the MegaCliff project, latter). If the ZX-812 moved, then they new that they must be moving (from the section on the book "1000 and 1 Unexpected Uses for a Paper Weight" by Ernie and Garfunkel). This reminds me of the ZX-812 weather monitoring system use, you get a ZX-812 and you throw it outside violently on the ground, if the ZX-812 eventually gets wet, it is raining, if the ZX-812 is dry and hot it's sunny, if it shatters into a thousand splintered pieces the temperature must be really cold, or you hit something really hard (the book advises aiming for something that should be soft ;). But by the far the greatest consumption of ZX-812s must have been the MegaCLIFF project, or better known as the "Search for the Answer to Everything project", where the ZX-812s were used to calculate the answer to everything. They theorised that through the laws of quantum mechanics, uncertainty, chaos theory, inter-dimensional parallel realities, and of course, time line splitting, there was the slim possibility that if you threw enough ZX-812s into a black hole, one would pop back out with the the answer to everything printed on it's little attachable display. Everybody agreed that it was an admirable use of a glorified, but cheap, paper weight/doorstop with display capabilities. Unfortunately they couldn't get it too work, the machines kept on popping back out with an non-sensical number, "42". Though one did eventually pop out with something different on the display, it simply said, "That is the answer silly". Which lead to much philosophical debate as too how "That is the answer silly" could be the answer to everything, as some were also split as to "that" being the answer to everything, and "silly" being the answer to everything! People have also suggested that "That" and "Silly" must be some words from an ancient lost language, or code, that needs to be deciphered. Some people even suggested that it was all a huge hoax, and that some guy called "Douglas Adams" was really on the other side of the black hole throwing the computers back. Even though, statistically, they were receiving back far more computers than they should, scientists said that it was sadistically so improbably that such a thing would happen that it was probably that it should (From the book, "Scientific Reasoning and How to Think Straight", by the great Zip). The only real source to argue against this clear, unfotology scientific reasoning, was soon to be discredited Iinrite Egen, in his book "The Search for Our Intelligence" or "SOI". The book was totally discredited, leading to his career coming to an abrupt end, eventually becoming a much maligned contributor to the Alternative Imaging forum on DVinfo.net.


Please note, that most of the facts here may not be true, particularly nearly all the bits apart from the correct spelling, as it is said in jest and good humour, as nobody seems interested in talking about video tracking systems. Also please note, if you still believe virtually anything written here, please see your nearest UFO society.

[Joe Carney]

I've found the most effective way to track UFOs' was after drinking a bottle of tequila and eating the worm. Mescale is effective too (maybe more so). Much cheaper than all those electronic gizmos.
Try it, you will see all sorts of tiny lights and creatures flying around. They'll even talk to you and give you advice. Honest. Just give your keys to someone for safe keeping.

[Wayne Morellini]

Where do you think the worm comes from ;) Good Gosh man, don't you watch Men In Black.

Honestly, just eat enough worms by themselves, in there normal, decayed, alien state, and you will probably still see things too, lying sick and delirious on your bed, as the worms try to kill you for the insult. Haven't you ever seen the computer game "Worms", where do you think that these people get these ideas from? The programmers have obviously been adducted by aliens. How come you think they are so weird, anti-social, and watch heaps of SCI-FI films with like anti-social aliens (like MIB) but don't join their local UFO cult.. I mean club ;)

I shouldn't make so much fun at the expense of the UFOtologists, as too many are genuinely traumatised and convinced they have seen, or been abducted by, aliens (but we all know it is an Anglo/Soviet conspiracy to subvert the populace, from the book "Attack of the Weatherballoon aliens" by Ima Nota Nut, publisher "Large Weatherballoon Exists", Rome, Italy. It's true, what do you think those planets are that scientist keep discovering around stars, the Weatherballon home worlds ;).

I wonder if the Italian word for weather/balloon starts with the Letter "O", Unidentified Flying Weather Balloon.

Thanks

Wayne.