Finally Completed On the FLOP short...

Peter Sieben · December 14th, 2003, 07:43 AM

Hi Bryan,

Congratulations with your finished movie. I've seen most of the 2nd part of it before and now the complete movie. You abandoned the night shots in the jeep with the mobile phone, right?
The tension in the storage shots is very nice, it builds up in the right pacing.
You've got a good chance that this movie will help you to get into filmschool. It shows several examples of your talents (photography, tension build up, using music, editing, story-telling, etc.).

If I have to give you any feedback, then it would be my advice to make your pace in the beginning a bit faster, extend the soundtrack/sfx and make it a bit more mysterious (lesser conversation, appealing more to the suggestion of the viewer).

Peter Sieben

Bryan McCullough · December 14th, 2003, 01:42 PM

Nice work.

But I didn't get it. What did I miss?

Technically the only thing that felt weird to me was that the opening credits came on about 3min into an 8min piece. Just seemed odd to me.

Bryan Roberts · December 14th, 2003, 05:36 PM

Thanks for the feedback! Yes, I concur with everyone's comments on the sound quality or the severe lack of it. The music and sfx quality should be acceptable as they weren't captured on my camera but were other files. I do desperately need to invest in a good shotgun mic but here was my dilema: if I am accepted into a film school, they will provide superior professional quality sound equipment and I will seldom if ever need to setup the shotgun. I was trying to focus on the essentials for a portfolio. I think the admissions people reviewing my shorts will understand the limit on funds and concentrate on how I used what I had though better sound would definitely help out in all aspects.

Peter - I agree with you on the beginning of the movie needing more pace. The history and progression of this movie went like this: my friend and I had a concept for a short and we were dying to shoot a scene from it. So we jumped to shoot the actual night time storage space scene without really planning out any other part of the movie. So then fast forward 5 months later and I'm trying to build up my portfolio for film schools. I tried to create some other scenes quickly that could allow what we had shot prior to stand on its own. So, really the short wasn't planned out well at all and was just to fill requirements on story so we could post it or send it off to schools without attaching a document explaining the background and what WAS going to be.

Bryan - I wish I could understand what you mean better - which part didn't you understand? Was there a clarification problem or did you have a problem with acting or another issue? I would really like to understand what you mean.

Anyways, thanks everyone for feedback and keep it coming. I love hearing everyone's opinions and concerns....

Bryan McCullough · December 14th, 2003, 08:11 PM

Originally posted by Bryan Roberts:

Quote:

Bryan - I wish I could understand what you mean better - which part didn't you understand? Was there a clarification problem or did you have a problem with acting or another issue? I would really like to understand what you mean.

I know it's just me being dense, but I didn't get what the 'punchline' of the story was.

I understand the guy we see putting the mask on was the dude that told the main guy about the cheating and I guess he was surprised that he shot him in the storage place.

But what were the masked guys supposed to be doing? How did it relate to the main guy?

Dan Tolbertson · December 14th, 2003, 09:01 PM

Yeah...I thought maybe they were killing the guy that cheated as a favor for the guy that they wound up shooting in the end. But it was not real clear on that. The filming was excellent though as well as the pacing, music and all the other work that went into the film. Great Job!

Dan Owens · December 14th, 2003, 09:20 PM

I thought the same thing, but it wasn't totally clear. I agree the rest of it flowed very well. It had my interest, but like Bryan, it lost me. I had to watch it over and over and then it finally dawned on me.

Bryan Roberts · December 15th, 2003, 09:09 AM

hmmmmm, well lack of clarity in the story is not good. Here are a few facts that forced a few things out of the short and let me know if this would have helped you guys out:

1st: there was a really bad sounding line when the masked men goes to the storage space door and hits it with his gun: He says: "shut the F up-" and then Adam's phone rings giving him away. Originally the line was "shut the F up and die" and then the phone rang however, the "and die" part sounded extremely akward so it was cut.

2nd: we shot a few quick cuts of the two masked men going inside the house at the end to capture the cheating character however, I, like a moron, accidentally filmed over these parts while getting driving shots on the way home from the shoot (I had rewound the tape to show the actors what the shots looked like). I would have reshot but the portfolio was due the next day so I had to cut that night and deal with what I had which was suggestion.

Would one of these two things helped clarify? Could I simple include the "and die" to help clarify what has happened? Thanks!

Bryan McCullough · December 15th, 2003, 10:23 AM

So they were killing him because he cheated at cards?

Seems like there was a bit of a larger issue somewhere (the main guy said something about getting the money back on the phone).

Peter Sieben · December 15th, 2003, 11:39 AM

I was thinking about the storage scene. The two guys with the masks lock somebody up and shoot the person (you hear a gun). But when the main character goes inside, he hears somebody moaning behind a door. Does that mean that the first victim was wounded and was screaming/moaning for help? Does that make sense? Or did they just want to scare the guy and lock him up?
And if they are ruthless, then you'd expect that they kill the first victim and not letting him live for a couple of minutes/hours? And if they are not so mean, why killing the main character?

sure it could be that I missed something. Bryan, any thoughts from your side?

Peter

Bryan Roberts · December 15th, 2003, 02:23 PM

Bryan M. or me Bryan R. ?

Peter Sieben · December 15th, 2003, 04:06 PM

Whoever feels to respond ;-)

Dan Owens · December 15th, 2003, 05:26 PM

<<<-- Originally posted by Bryan Roberts : hmmmmm, well lack of clarity in the story is not good. Here are a few facts that forced a few things out of the short and let me know if this would have helped you guys out:

1st: there was a really bad sounding line when the masked men goes to the storage space door and hits it with his gun: He says: "shut the fuck up-" and then Adam's phone rings giving him away. Originally the line was "shut the fuck up and die" and then the phone rang however, the "and die" part sounded extremely akward so it was cut.

2nd: we shot a few quick cuts of the two masked men going inside the house at the end to capture the cheating character however, I, like a moron, accidentally filmed over these parts while getting driving shots on the way home from the shoot (I had rewound the tape to show the actors what the shots looked like). I would have reshot but the portfolio was due the next day so I had to cut that night and deal with what I had which was suggestion.

Would one of these two things helped clarify? Could I simple include the "and die" to help clarify what has happened? Thanks! -->>>

Bryan,

I understood the first point without a problem, but the second would have probably benefitted from the shots you said you accidentally filmed over...D'oh.
Anyway, I rewatched it and realized that it might have to do with the timing or something. I think it is when the camera leaves the storage and you fade to black and then flashback to the prior 2 hrs clip. Maybe if you cut the black out and just fade into the clip from the white. Or, if you cut right to the flashback, and then cut back to the guys over the body again. I'm not sure if that would make a difference or not, but it was just something I was thinking about.

December 14th, 2003, 07:43 AM	#16
Peter Sieben Major Player Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: The Netherlands Posts: 345	Hi Bryan, Congratulations with your finished movie. I've seen most of the 2nd part of it before and now the complete movie. You abandoned the night shots in the jeep with the mobile phone, right? The tension in the storage shots is very nice, it builds up in the right pacing. You've got a good chance that this movie will help you to get into filmschool. It shows several examples of your talents (photography, tension build up, using music, editing, story-telling, etc.). If I have to give you any feedback, then it would be my advice to make your pace in the beginning a bit faster, extend the soundtrack/sfx and make it a bit more mysterious (lesser conversation, appealing more to the suggestion of the viewer). Peter Sieben __________________ Peter / Orphic Film www.orphicfilm.nl and www.myspace.com/orphicfilm

December 14th, 2003, 09:01 PM	#20
Dan Tolbertson Regular Crew Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Menifee, CA Posts: 126	Yeah...I thought maybe they were killing the guy that cheated as a favor for the guy that they wound up shooting in the end. But it was not real clear on that. The filming was excellent though as well as the pacing, music and all the other work that went into the film. Great Job! __________________ Sony Fan Boy! Sony AX100, VG20, RX10, A6000, CX760 and a GoPro 4

December 14th, 2003, 09:20 PM	#21
Dan Owens Regular Crew Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Mentor OH Posts: 28	I thought the same thing, but it wasn't totally clear. I agree the rest of it flowed very well. It had my interest, but like Bryan, it lost me. I had to watch it over and over and then it finally dawned on me. __________________ DanO

December 15th, 2003, 11:39 AM	#24
Peter Sieben Major Player Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: The Netherlands Posts: 345	I was thinking about the storage scene. The two guys with the masks lock somebody up and shoot the person (you hear a gun). But when the main character goes inside, he hears somebody moaning behind a door. Does that mean that the first victim was wounded and was screaming/moaning for help? Does that make sense? Or did they just want to scare the guy and lock him up? And if they are ruthless, then you'd expect that they kill the first victim and not letting him live for a couple of minutes/hours? And if they are not so mean, why killing the main character? sure it could be that I missed something. Bryan, any thoughts from your side? Peter __________________ Peter / Orphic Film www.orphicfilm.nl and www.myspace.com/orphicfilm

December 15th, 2003, 04:06 PM	#26
Peter Sieben Major Player Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: The Netherlands Posts: 345	Whoever feels to respond ;-) __________________ Peter / Orphic Film www.orphicfilm.nl and www.myspace.com/orphicfilm

December 14th, 2003, 01:42 PM	#17
Bryan McCullough Major Player Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Richardson, TX Posts: 842	Nice work. But I didn't get it. What did I miss? Technically the only thing that felt weird to me was that the opening credits came on about 3min into an 8min piece. Just seemed odd to me.

December 14th, 2003, 05:36 PM	#18
Bryan Roberts Major Player Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Los Angeles, CA Posts: 436	Thanks for the feedback! Yes, I concur with everyone's comments on the sound quality or the severe lack of it. The music and sfx quality should be acceptable as they weren't captured on my camera but were other files. I do desperately need to invest in a good shotgun mic but here was my dilema: if I am accepted into a film school, they will provide superior professional quality sound equipment and I will seldom if ever need to setup the shotgun. I was trying to focus on the essentials for a portfolio. I think the admissions people reviewing my shorts will understand the limit on funds and concentrate on how I used what I had though better sound would definitely help out in all aspects. Peter - I agree with you on the beginning of the movie needing more pace. The history and progression of this movie went like this: my friend and I had a concept for a short and we were dying to shoot a scene from it. So we jumped to shoot the actual night time storage space scene without really planning out any other part of the movie. So then fast forward 5 months later and I'm trying to build up my portfolio for film schools. I tried to create some other scenes quickly that could allow what we had shot prior to stand on its own. So, really the short wasn't planned out well at all and was just to fill requirements on story so we could post it or send it off to schools without attaching a document explaining the background and what WAS going to be. Bryan - I wish I could understand what you mean better - which part didn't you understand? Was there a clarification problem or did you have a problem with acting or another issue? I would really like to understand what you mean. Anyways, thanks everyone for feedback and keep it coming. I love hearing everyone's opinions and concerns....

December 15th, 2003, 09:09 AM	#22
Bryan Roberts Major Player Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Los Angeles, CA Posts: 436	hmmmmm, well lack of clarity in the story is not good. Here are a few facts that forced a few things out of the short and let me know if this would have helped you guys out: 1st: there was a really bad sounding line when the masked men goes to the storage space door and hits it with his gun: He says: "shut the F up-" and then Adam's phone rings giving him away. Originally the line was "shut the F up and die" and then the phone rang however, the "and die" part sounded extremely akward so it was cut. 2nd: we shot a few quick cuts of the two masked men going inside the house at the end to capture the cheating character however, I, like a moron, accidentally filmed over these parts while getting driving shots on the way home from the shoot (I had rewound the tape to show the actors what the shots looked like). I would have reshot but the portfolio was due the next day so I had to cut that night and deal with what I had which was suggestion. Would one of these two things helped clarify? Could I simple include the "and die" to help clarify what has happened? Thanks!

December 15th, 2003, 10:23 AM	#23
Bryan McCullough Major Player Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Richardson, TX Posts: 842	So they were killing him because he cheated at cards? Seems like there was a bit of a larger issue somewhere (the main guy said something about getting the money back on the phone).

December 15th, 2003, 02:23 PM	#25
Bryan Roberts Major Player Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Los Angeles, CA Posts: 436	Bryan M. or me Bryan R. ?

December 15th, 2003, 05:26 PM	#27
Dan Owens Regular Crew Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Mentor OH Posts: 28	<<<-- Originally posted by Bryan Roberts : hmmmmm, well lack of clarity in the story is not good. Here are a few facts that forced a few things out of the short and let me know if this would have helped you guys out: 1st: there was a really bad sounding line when the masked men goes to the storage space door and hits it with his gun: He says: "shut the fuck up-" and then Adam's phone rings giving him away. Originally the line was "shut the fuck up and die" and then the phone rang however, the "and die" part sounded extremely akward so it was cut. 2nd: we shot a few quick cuts of the two masked men going inside the house at the end to capture the cheating character however, I, like a moron, accidentally filmed over these parts while getting driving shots on the way home from the shoot (I had rewound the tape to show the actors what the shots looked like). I would have reshot but the portfolio was due the next day so I had to cut that night and deal with what I had which was suggestion. Would one of these two things helped clarify? Could I simple include the "and die" to help clarify what has happened? Thanks! -->>> Bryan, I understood the first point without a problem, but the second would have probably benefitted from the shots you said you accidentally filmed over...D'oh. Anyway, I rewatched it and realized that it might have to do with the timing or something. I think it is when the camera leaves the storage and you fade to black and then flashback to the prior 2 hrs clip. Maybe if you cut the black out and just fade into the clip from the white. Or, if you cut right to the flashback, and then cut back to the guys over the body again. I'm not sure if that would make a difference or not, but it was just something I was thinking about. __________________ DanO