Please critique my new 6-min DVX short (for contest)

[John C. Lyons]

Let me know what you think! This cut is for a contest and before I get to work on the extended version (where I can add back in all the scenes I had to axe to make the contest's time limit) I wanted to get some of your feedback...

A bit of background: it was an odd and challenging 7 page script that everyone had to use and the time limit was 6 minutes. We had a month to cast, re-write, shoot, edit, and upload. The objects and locations were all left open which gave us a lot of creative room to do our own spin on the story (and we tried to come up with the least obvious and most bizarre story possible).



www.the-lyons-den.com/bogo
go here for the QT version as well as some stills and pics!

Thanks for checking it out!



If you're curious, The Rules:

All participants will make their short films using this script. The script is general enough that you can still turn this into any kind of film you want with a little creativity. The dialogue is scripted, but you can use any actor-young/old/male/female to play any character and you're free to interpret the context and location of each scene.

Use a DVX100 in order to be eligible for a prize. There will be a special exhibition category for non-DVX100 entries.
Films must be six (6) minutes or less
All entries need to include all of the dialogue in the script. It doesn't need to be precisely word for word--but it should be close. The script may be translated into other languages, as long as you include English subtitles. Also, you're free to add scenes or rearrange the scenes in the script. A lot of the meaning, plot, and context will come from how you construct the film, interpret the action, and select the props. You'll also get bonus points (worth 5 extra votes) if you film the dream sequence. Your film can be as simple or as complex as you want to make it.

No copyright violations, you *must* use licensed or royalty-free music
Try to keep film under 30MB
Host your own film if possible
All entries are due by midnight on June 30th, 2005

[Mathieu Ghekiere]

Hey John, I think it's better to post this in the DV for the Masses forum. There you'll maybe get more reaction and it's the more proper forum.
BTW: I'll look to it, but not tonight anymore, too tired, in case you wondered ;-)

[John C. Lyons]

thanks Mathieu, I will post there. sorry for the double-post ahead of time DVers, please head to the DV for the Masses forum to post your thoughts!

[Matt Ramphal]

Very cool. I like the editing.

The picture quality is nice too.

Good job.

[Barry Gribble]

I'm not sure what you cut out, but this version truly made no sense to me.

[John C. Lyons]

thanks Matt and Barry for checking it out and I appreciate your comments!

Barry, actually if you read the background story on the website it will make a BIT more sense. I agree though that after a single watch and maybe even a couple it's pretty quick for 6 minutes to catch everything going on!

the problem (and challenge) is the script. I don't expect you to be interested enough to read it, but here it is (I'll just tell you it makes no sense at all, we tried to make as much sense out of it as we could by creating our whole "identical twins brain goo" story): http://dvxfest.com/Script/DVXfestScreenplay.pdf

again I appreciate your comments though guys. I will post a link to the longer cut once I get it done, in that version I will actually have time to do a scrolling opening story...but it was great practice in taking my original 12 minute cut and shrinking it down to half!

[Matt Ramphal]

I'm wondering how you compressed the movie file you've shown here.

I'm assuming that at full quality, that short would have been a massive file size (in the GB's). How did you get it down to 20 mb's, without seriously downgrading the overall viewability.

I have a 5 min project that output to 1.2 GB's, at full quality. When I tried to downsize it to about 5mb, it took over an hour, and it looked like crap.

[Barry Gribble]

John,

I actually did read the text on the website, but I really can't see how that can be required before watching...

Truthfully, I think the script is really bad (not something I say often). They say it is general, but it really isn't close. I figured you were working from a script that was like the ones they use for Project Greenlight - just lines of dialog with no setting or character names, you must fill in the rest. I would be good money that no one is going to come up with a 6 minute film that makes sense on it's own based on that script....

That said, I think you went the wrong direction with it. Since the script is soooo far out there, I think your treatment of it has to be something that at least tries to make it more simple than it seems. For example...

The script says "Taylor, smiling, sets IT down". You get to choose what IT is. An obvious choice, which simplifies things, would be a gun. A less obvious choice, but still as simple, would be a sex toy ("what about the twins?"). Either way you are resolving something for the audience here - making them understand more about the story. You choice of some abstract device that extracts brain juice from twins makes that a moment one in which the audience understands less when they see what IT is. With so little time, and such a crazy script, I think you need to do everything you possibly can to make it something that is understandable to the audience.

Given the script, and your choices around it, the execution was fine. I think the dream sequence was the best by far. Perfect. And I think there was no way to have that make sense with the story, so why try?

Some of the framing was a little off for my taste (faces drifting out of the frame, etc.), and the editing was a little rough at times.

So how is it that you say that you cut a bunch out, when you have to include everthing in the script?

[John C. Lyons]

Matt Ramphal -

I used a program by called Cleaner XL (you heard of it?) for export on this movie. I will have to export right from Premiere Pro and let you know what the export size is in comparison, don't know if there will be a difference or not.

BTW, I re-uploaded now with a 7 minute version (added in opening titles and credits) of the movie on the site and it came to 37MBs. I believe the previous version was actually 27MBs, not 20.

Barry Gribble --

You're right, I can't require people to read that text. Definitely not. It's my own problem for trying to make a full blown storyline out of the script and that was my work-around. I just ask people to read it to help them, since I couldn't sacrifice the 20 seconds of runtime for an opening narration of that storyline.

Our #1 mission with the story was to make sure we did something different from what seemingly everyone else would do: the obvious choices of a gun or a sex toy storyline. True we show an abstract device, and you have no idea what it is for in the barbershop, but then ten seconds later you see what its for when Drew hooks it up to a twin's head and goo starts coming out.

We were allowed to add scenes and we did add a couple (other than the hospital ending) that had to do with the Drew and Sid relationship as well as an addiction to the "brain goo" by Drew. That material got axed to make 6 minutes. Also to fit the 6 minutes some of the editing of dialogue and whatnot had to be done in a choppy manner to pick up the pacing that I am not so happy with, because again of having to fit that time limit.

As always guys thanks a lot for your comments and I really appreciate your time and efforts! I start on the Director's Cut this weekend...

[John C. Lyons]

Just thought I would post as well that I have started including the 7 minute version of BOGO on a 3rd DVD packaged with new orders for the HUNTING CAMP 2-disc DVD/CD set!

Have a good weekend all!