How many directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
101 - One to do the job and 100 others to say they could have done it better.


How can you tell the Teamster's children at a playground?
They're the ones watching all the other kids have fun.



What do you call an out of work director?
A writer.

What do you call an out of work actor?
A producer.

What do you call an actor whose girlfriend just broke up with him?
Homeless.

Re: Crew Jokes
 

What does a DP's wife do after having sex...

pick him up from the airport!

Re: Crew Jokes
 

Director to soundie: What are you going to do about that traffic noise 10 floors below.

Soundie: Well, I'm going to hang a mic out the window and fade it out.

(True story)

Re: Crew Jokes
 

How many control room directors does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two... standby one... now one... get ready two and.... THREE!!! THREE!!!

Re: Crew Jokes
 

Q: How tall is the audio tech?
A: Dunno. No one has ever seen him standing up.

Re: Crew Jokes
 

One time the 6 member cast assembled in the control room and were handed their scripts. After a quick look though,
I told them .. 'Ok into the studio and let's get under way'

This very attractive actress with the silky voice says to me .. 'we can't start yet Ann's not here'

We all looked at her somewhat stunned, Ann. was the Announcer. Lovely girl but thick. True story.

Cheers.

Re: Crew Jokes
 

How much am I getting paid again?

What do you call 2 left turns and ending home?
Baseball.

Re: Crew Jokes
 

Technical Director: Quick, somebody call me an engineer!
Crew: Ok, You're an engineer!

A sound guy I know told me he felt the least experienced person on an indie film set is usually the director.

Three Stooges - Hey look, we got a telegram.
Oh yeah, what's it say?
Do dot, dash dot
Gimmie that, you imbecile.

Re: Crew Jokes
 

Q: Why was the editor wearing roller skates at his desk?

A: He was performing a rolling edit.

Re: Crew Jokes
 

Not quite a crew joke, but ...

Q: What did Yoda say when he watched Star Wars on Blu-Ray?

A: HDMI?

Andrew

Re: Crew Jokes
 

Q: What is a Director of Photography's favourite beer?
A: Natural light.

Andrew

Re: Crew Jokes
 

Tommy Cooper, the famous Brittish comedian, once took part in the shooting of a comedie.
Ad the end, he shook hands with several members of the crew, inviting them to "Have a drink on me!". A friend of mine was a member of the crew and he was pleasantly surprised, to find, that he felt and heared knispering paper in the hand he shook.
When Tommy had left the site, my friend looked in his hand and found a teabag . . .

Re: Crew Jokes
 

Man. I am not seeing some long-time classics here:

If gaff tape falls off table, rolls away: "tape's rolling!"

After a long take that was tough on (usually nonprofessional--think corporate setting) talent, someone goes "great rehearsal, ready to do it for real?"