I got a list of these from the director last nite on a shoot. Here's a couple.



How many videographers does it take to change a lightbulb?
"None. What do you think the gain is for?"


How many Directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
"Just one more guys, I swear to God, just one more."


How many old Cameramen does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three - one to change the bulb, and two to reminisce about how much better they were back in the good old days of film.


How many Art Directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
"Does it have to be a lightbulb? I've got a beautiful 17th century candelabra."


How many Screenwriters does it take to change a lightbulb?
NONE! THE LIGHTBULB FRICKING STAYS IN or I WALK!


How many STUNTMEN does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to screw it in, and the other four to tell him how bitchin' he looked while doing it.


How many Production Assistants does it take to change a lightbulb?
Six. One to change it, and the other five to stand around the ladder and grumble, "Well, we all know how she got THAT job."


How many FIRST A.D's does it take to change a lightbulb?
"Why the F#*K are you asking me that question?! Can't you see I'm BUSY!?"


How many SECOND A.D's does it take to change a lightbulb?
"Uh... standby." (Finger on walkie) "How many Second A.D.s does it take to change a lightbulb?"


How many Production Managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None! "If you'd make it a day exterior we wouldn't be screwing around with all these damn light bulbs."


How many D.P's does it take to change a lightbulb?
"One. No... Two. Wait, how many have we got on the truck?"


How many DEVELOPMENT EXECUTIVES does it take to change a lightbulb?
"First, lets talk about the concept behind this whole 'light bulb' thing."

Why don't most DPs smoke?

It takes too long for them to light it.

A D.P., a director and a producer are scouting a location, when they come across an old lamp. They pick it up, rub it, and a Genie pops out. The Genie says, "Well, I usually grant three wishes, but seeing as there are three of you, I'll grant you each one wish."

The D.P. says, "I want to be on the French Riviera!" Poof! He disappears in a cloud of blue smoke.

The director says, "I want to be in Tahiti!" Poof! He disappears in a cloud of pink smoke.

The producer says, "I want those two ***holes back here right now!"

Two senior engineers are ina location truck; one says to the other:"Hey Ken, when did you last have sex?"
Ken replies sadly "1959".
"That's not bad" says Dave, glancing at his watch. "It's only 2030 now!"



What's the difference between a Sound guy and a generator?
The generator stops whining after the shoot.

Made sticky!
Thread rules: JOKES ONLY!

Wow, I'm STICKY! And here I thought I just spilled my coffee.

How many ACTORS does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, he just holds it up, and the world revolves around him.

How many PBS PRODUCERS does it take to change a lightbulb?
Six. One to research, four to fly to London to buy the lightbulb and one to screw it in.

Overheard at the annual meeting of the Retired Sound Recordists:

Sound guy 1: "Windy, isn't it?"
Sound guy 2: "No, it's Thursday."
Sound guy 3: "So am I! Let's get a beer."

HOw many UNION Lighting Techs does it take to change a bulb?
"It's not a bulb, it's a GLOBE"

How many STUDIO EXECUTIVES does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows, lightbulbs last longer than Studio Execs.

Q: How many Producers does it take to change a bulb?

A: I don't know. What do you think?

How many After Effects artists does it take to change a lightbulb?

"Just one, but it takes all friggin day to set the light properties... this is if you're working 3d in particular."

{ let's see how many AE geeks get this one }

Q - When you look at the all of the people on the set, running around changing lightbulbs, how do you know which one is - or is not a teamster?

A - That's easy. He's the one setting in the corner, looking at his watch, drinking coffee and letting the others kids do it for him.

A sad looking film Producer and a Director are on the set talking about the days shoot, when a hot looking A list Actress walks by. "See her?" says the Director, "I'm gonna screw her tonight!" The Producer really brightens up and says "Yeah? Outta what?"

How many Sound Techs doing a sound check does it take to change a light bulb?

One TWO, one TWO TWO ....TWO

A junior sound tech starts testing a radio mic .
"Testing one-two, one-two..."

"Hey, that one's digital" shouts the senior.

"Sorry! Testing zero-one, zero-one..."

This may sound like a joke, but it is absolutely true: I was there.

We were shooting on a big set, in the 1970s, in a disused railway goods station in Paris. As the day approached wrap time, the producer asked the riggers, sparks and stage hands if they would mind working late to turn everything round so we could start shooting on the reverse angle first thing the next morning. Sucking of teeth. The lads were banking on going out to enjoy Paris tonight. Producer offers a large cash inducement and the agreement is reached. Just before we DO wrap, the 1st AD realises that if the shooting crew go out to do exteriors first thing, the riggers etc can do the turn round at that time, and no one loses their run ashore. Producer passes on the good news. Sucking of teeth. Shuffling of feet. The lads, since the offer of extra cash, had been planning on buying their wives and girlfriends lots of presents. Now they couldn't. They would not be happy.

So what happens is this: the riggers, sparks and stags don't work late, but they do get compensation, which is officially described as Disappointment Money. True! Absolutely true!! I've been trying to get Disappointment Money ever since, with no success although I've been disappointed on numerous occasions.

Nick F.

How many directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
101 - One to do the job and 100 others to say they could have done it better.


How can you tell the Teamster's children at a playground?
They're the ones watching all the other kids have fun.



What do you call an out of work director?
A writer.

What do you call an out of work actor?
A producer.

What do you call an actor whose girlfriend just broke up with him?
Homeless.

What does a DP's wife do after having sex...

pick him up from the airport!

Director to soundie: What are you going to do about that traffic noise 10 floors below.

Soundie: Well, I'm going to hang a mic out the window and fade it out.

(True story)

How many control room directors does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two... standby one... now one... get ready two and.... THREE!!! THREE!!!

Q: How tall is the audio tech?
A: Dunno. No one has ever seen him standing up.

One time the 6 member cast assembled in the control room and were handed their scripts. After a quick look though,
I told them .. 'Ok into the studio and let's get under way'

This very attractive actress with the silky voice says to me .. 'we can't start yet Ann's not here'

We all looked at her somewhat stunned, Ann. was the Announcer. Lovely girl but thick. True story.

Cheers.

How much am I getting paid again?

What do you call 2 left turns and ending home?
Baseball.

Technical Director: Quick, somebody call me an engineer!
Crew: Ok, You're an engineer!

A sound guy I know told me he felt the least experienced person on an indie film set is usually the director.

Three Stooges - Hey look, we got a telegram.
Oh yeah, what's it say?
Do dot, dash dot
Gimmie that, you imbecile.

Q: Why was the editor wearing roller skates at his desk?

A: He was performing a rolling edit.

Not quite a crew joke, but ...

Q: What did Yoda say when he watched Star Wars on Blu-Ray?

A: HDMI?

Andrew

Q: What is a Director of Photography's favourite beer?
A: Natural light.

Andrew

Tommy Cooper, the famous Brittish comedian, once took part in the shooting of a comedie.
Ad the end, he shook hands with several members of the crew, inviting them to "Have a drink on me!". A friend of mine was a member of the crew and he was pleasantly surprised, to find, that he felt and heared knispering paper in the hand he shook.
When Tommy had left the site, my friend looked in his hand and found a teabag . . .

Man. I am not seeing some long-time classics here:

If gaff tape falls off table, rolls away: "tape's rolling!"

After a long take that was tough on (usually nonprofessional--think corporate setting) talent, someone goes "great rehearsal, ready to do it for real?"